Sinners All
I got the word of God in my mail box the other day. It came in the form of a little folded
piece of paper measuring 3"x5". The front of it tells me there is bad news, and there is good news. As far as this
kind of mail goes, I was intrigued, or maybe I was bored.
First the bad news kids. Looks like we are all sinners, oh damn, I was hoping I could get
out of that one. I guess this means it's ok to cuss when your coffee is too hot. It's probably alright to ogle your
barista's backside as s/he makes your coffee. I mean, I'm already a sinner, so what's one or two more?
Holy! Turns out if you're a sinner, you deserve to die. Yikes, those are some brutal words
coming from the all mighty. I guess it makes sense in some ways, cause if your saintly, what do you do with all the
sinners. Kill em I say. Makes for cleaner streets and cleaner cloths.
Oh gees! You can't earn salvation. Oh, you thought that living a virtuous life would get you
to the pearly gates huh? You'd be wrong. You can give to the poor, you can help the blind cross the street, you can
volunteer in the third world. You're kind, and generous. You're a good listener, and always say sorry. Nope. That ain't
no ticket to paradise, so it's probably best to give it up. Feel free to lust after that coffee shop counter person.
Now, you'd think that life is punishment enough and here you are learning that it just gets
worse in the afterlife. But what's that on the other half of the pamphlet? Could it be the good news? Yes! It's the
good news! Yay! Yahoo! Woopie! We've been saved! We've been saved!
Um, yah. Seems it ain't all doom and gloom, though if you take it out of context, I'm sure
you can prove anything. The simple solution offered by this unsolicited mail box sermon seems to be faith. Seems
easy to me, but it's the details that really work you over. If only the problems of life could be solved in a 3x5
pamphlet, but they can't.
In the end, we are all still left asking the same questions. Whether we are God fearing, or
heathen, we all have the same needs and wants. In the end, we just want to get along and be part of the bigger picture.
For me, in the end, all I need is a good cup of coffee, and a good person to share it with. Really, that ain't much
to ask for, and really, what else is there?
8 O'clock Gourmet Coffee
I'm constantly in search of things to write about,
and a few issues ago I realized, there are plenty of strange items in my local supermarket that may need looking
into.
So far I've brought you a terrible coffee substitute, and a somewhat yummy instant coffee syrup. So, is
there anything left? Sure, enough for at least a few more articles.
I'm Jack's needy taste buds. Having covered a few alternatives, I figured it would be a
good idea to try actual coffee again. The focus this week is on 8 O'clock Gourmet Bean coffee. It comes in a
300g gold foil bag with fancy writing. It looks gourmet, and cost's like it too. You might be able to find it
where you find other 8 O'clock coffee's.
These day's I drink a lot of 8 O'clock regular blend. It's not really the best coffee in
the world, but it also doesn't make me want to wretch when I drink it. I would put it way below good bean coffee,
but above most donut shop coffee. The best part is, 8 O'clock regular costs about 6 times less then real bean coffee.
I'm Jack's pocket book. What about the gourmet version? Well, it cost's almost exactly what
real coffee cost's and my expectations were pretty high. I bought a bag of Columbia Supremo, with an option for Irish
Cream and French Roast. I know what Columbian is supposed to taste like, and it would be a good comparison.
It smelled great, score one for 8 O'clock. The beans where normal sized instead of the tiny
beans in their regular coffee's, score two for 8 O'clock. I shoveled 4 scoops into my grinder, and hit the switch.
The aroma coming from the grinds was intense, score three for 8 O'clock. I dumped it into my coffee maker and let it
brew.
I'm Jack's satisfied taste buds. Well call me a monkey's uncle, this stuff is good. I expected
something better then usual for supermarket brew, and I got it. It was full bodied in all the right places. It was
smooth, drinkable and tasty. I could actually drink lots of this stuff. Who da fuckin' thought you could get good
bagged coffee at the supermarket. Good show 8 O'clock.
I'm Jacks retrospect. Still, you have to compare apples to apples. Even though this is good
coffee, and actually worth brewing, there are a few negatives. First, it's no savings buying these beans. Second, I
think these beans were not as fresh as could be. If you're paying this much for 300g of coffee, you're
better off getting it from Second Cup, or a café that sells whole beans. You'll get the same beans, but they will be
fresher, stronger, and better drinking.
Over all though, if you're stuck for beans, and just can't seem to find a café that sells em,
or if you're jonesin' for good coffee at 3am, and the only place open is your 24hr supermarket, then by all means, get
a bag of 8 O'clock Gourmet. It's still pretty damn good and actually worth the cost too.
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Jill Lives In Chocolate
First of all, Jill would like to thank her lovely and talented friends across the ocean that
had the kindness to send Jill a very exciting package last week.
Jill was the lucky recipient of an entire box of
chocolate from her wonderful friends in the magical land of England. Never mind that the fine people at Customs went
through the box with a fine tooth comb, opening every single sealed bar of creamy delicious chocolate.
Jill's got her some anthrax and bomb free candy, that's for damn sure. And she really
doesn't give a crap whose grubby paws were on it, it's some mighty fine chocolate. British chocolate is an
exquisite delicacy. Forget all that you have heard about Swiss chocolate-pshaw. Doesn't hold a candle.
Enclosed in the box was a variety of Sainsbury's cocoa related products. Jill will
relate them each to you in a list that is guaranteed to incite envy and desire in all chocolate lovers.
1. Belgian Plain Chocolate
Good lord! Who knew that chocolate was meant to taste so good? So magically delicious.
2. Belgian White Chocolate With Coffee
Melt in your mouth, yumass little granules of coffee. Sweet like a Japanese schoolgirl.
3. Belgian Chocolate Seashells
Much like the chocolate seashells your aunt gets for Christmas, only really really good.
4. Belgian Milk Chocolate
This is it. Jill has to lie down. This is the stuff, manna, ambrosia, that Jill has been searching for all
her life. I
5. Belgian Chocolate With Ginger
Curious. Tastes exactly like the pickled ginger you wrap around your sushi, only covered in chocolate.
6. French Cocoa Dusted Truffles
Jill has damp panties for this stuff. These are tiny cakey little morsels of fabulousness, dusted in real cocoa
powder that you can lick slowly from your sticky fingers one digit at a time. Mmmm.
In conclusion, Jill would like to say that her friends are better than your friends, except
when Jill's friends
are also your friends And if your friends are not also Jill's friends, perhaps you should get some new ones.
Ones that love you enough to send you great big packets of chocolate from the magical kingdom of England.
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