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Nov. 17, 2000
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15th Anniversary!
Hey kids! You heard right! It's Coffee Clubs 15th issue, and we aim to celebrate till our
teeth hurt.
Not only will we bring you extra special writing, we'll sweeten the
pot with some tender loving appreciation.
What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about FREE stuff. Yup
that's right! Stay tuned for your chance to win!
The Caffiend Weights In
Just when you thought he had downed his last coffee and chewed his last cud...The Caffiend returns!
Hot on the heals of an eating binge, he waxes poetic about unnatural bean mating and the extra hole
in his belt. Dare ya to read more!
Coffee Club Comic Pt.6
Is it possible that we crammed more then anyone should be allowed to read into this extravaganza
of a 15th issue? You bet your mothers false teeth!
Coffee Club finally brings you Part 6 of a continuing graphic adventure.
You just don't want to know what it took to get this adventure going. I'll just say this. It involved
2 bob-cats, a sweater, and 4 pounds of American cheddar. That's right, I said 'Merican!
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The Way We Were
Will you look at that? 15 issues have gone by, and I bet you didn't even notice.
Of course you was too busy reading, filling your drab day with some thought provoking prose, a la Mr
Pant's(no relation) and Jittery Jill, and yours truly, Jack.
Yes, as you can plainly see, Coffee Club Online is the best thing since sliced
bread. All soft and fluffy, ready for the toaster, maybe a bit of butter and jam. Whatever turns your
crank boys and girls. We are here for you, and only you.
Did you miss anything? Hell, we have it all online in the Coffee Club Archive.
Just in case you really don't have anything to do in your office cubicle, or just need something to take
your mind off of killing your boss with a letter opener. We do double duty here at Coffee Club, not only
do we try to entertain, we also prevent homicide, or at least we'd like to think that we do.
It all started way back in May. Jill and I we're sipping our ever so loquacious
coffee, watching the world go by and feeling the urge to pummel complete strangers. You can probably guess
that this kind of undirected energy could get one into trouble. So, our choice was clear, we devise
fabulous ways to rid the world of ‘them' or we channel our energy into a website. Being the civilized
people that we are, this modern wonder of our time, the website, was the winner.
Here we are then, 15 issues later. We've honed our skills to razor sharp talons.
We don't need no sticking guns, knifes or bombs, though a good explosion is always fun. We can cut deeper
now with our words, hacking to pieces the bland ways of this world. Offering, we hope, a new light into a
better, stronger, aromatic future, filled with bliss and java joy!
Then again, maybe we're just stupid.
I am Jack's Top Seven List. Yup, 7. I know, it's the 15th issue, and our pal
Edward Pants Esq. (No relation) provided a fine Top 15. Of course, Jill was misinformed by Jack, and she
provided a swell Top 5. I figured I'd split the difference.
Jack's Top 7 Reasons For Coffee Club
7. Coffee. Can anyone get enough of this stuff? No Really.
6. Sofas. Face it. Your ass needs this kinda pleasure.
5. Cake. Even if I didn't have to do reviews, I'd STILL eat cake. Word to
your mother!
4. Air. If it wasn't for Coffee Club, I might never breath.
3. Exercise. Ewww! What the fuck, not like I notice the walks to the
Coffee Shop
2. People. I am Jack's anti-social behavior. Thank you people, for being
annoying enough to write about.
And the number 1 reason for Coffee Club is...
1. Jill. Hubba hubba! ‘Nuff said.
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Random Musings Of Mild Misanthropy
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Sweet Fifteen: Just the way I likes 'em!
Hello again, sweet reader. Fifteen issues of Coffee Club. Wow. Why is
this important? Well, it's not, really. I mean, fifteen? What the hell? Ten, OK. Fifteen?
A dozen I could see. Fifteen?
All fifteen means to me is the incessant masturbating while imagining the two , feather-haired,
perky-breasted, Sergio Valente-panted girls in my science class getting friendly with a rolling pin
and some Mazola in a charming, rustic country kitchen, as the morning sunlight shines in and sets their
young, round buttocks alight with the very glow of heaven.
Well, I say fuck it: we're nothing if not unconventional. But I'll tell you what's amazing
about fifteen issues of Coffee Club: that we, the biggest bunch of slackers I know, can actually be
doing this still. And for free... you're all lucky we love you so god damn much. I shall think of
your kind readership and toast you all during my next pot of Joe.
And so, in honour of our 15th issue, I was asked by our illustrious and not-so-fearless leader,
Cakey Pants Jack (no relation), to proffer a "top-15 list" for your reading
pleasure this issue.
Since I already contributed a list of coffee-related things back in
issue number five, something different this time. Listening to lame-ass, classic-rock, mullet-tuneage,
water-cooler music all night at work has made me a thankful boy - thankful I'm not quite yet psychopathic
enough to mow down a dozen or so of my co-workers and managers with my Mac-Daddy.
So, my homies, on with
the shizzow:
Fifteen musical thank-you's:
Thank you, Madonna, for teaching thousands of young girls the phrase, "She's a good businesswoman..."
Thank you, Mitsou, for being such a hottie.
Thank you, Kurt Cobain, for shutting the fuck up.
Thank you, R.E.M., for introducing the kids to a magical new instrument called a mandolin.
Thank you, Jon Anderson, for showing us the WigWam is cool. Sort of.
Thank you, Moxy Fruvous, for waking the latent murdering psychopathic tendencies in all who hear your inane caterwauling.
Thank you, Ted Nugent and the NRA, for making me simultaneously laugh and cry even harder over 'Mericans and their guns.
Thank you, Robert Fripp, for showing us that guitar nerds can have hottie little wives.
Thank you, Video, for killing the Radio Star.
Thank you, Angelo Badalamenti, for having the most fun name to say.
Thank you, Leonard Nemoy, for making a great celebrity album.
Thank you, Telly Savalas, for making an atrocious celebrity album.
Thank you, Ringo, for turning out to be the coolest one.
Thank you, Spinal Tap, for getting it right.
Thank you, Banana Splits (Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork), for being the supreme coolest kid's band - EVER!
Remember: November 24th is the hands-down, biggest shopping day of the year (thanks to that silly thing,
Christmas. No matter what you do... don't buy anything this November 24th.
That's on a Friday. So buy all your tampons, smokes, 40-ouncers, D-sized batteries, processed cheeze food,
pot-pourri and any other salient survival sundries before then. Brew your own coffee and stick it in
a thermos; make your work-mates jealous of your corporate consumerism defiance - right before you go out
and start buying up all kinds of shit the next day.
I DARE YA ! DO IT! I DOUBLE-DARE YA ! !
(Check out the fine folks at www.adbusters.com
for more info.)
Farewell until next time, gentle reader. Do come back again and feel
free to send me your comments, suggestions, stories, whatever. Gotta go, the
coffee's on. " One banana, two banana, three banana, four - four bananas
make a bunch and so do many more!"
Edward Pants, Esq.
In life's coffee bag, be the bitter bean.
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Do Nothing Day
While the Bitter Bean has been a busy bee explaining to you consumer junky monkeys
all about the virtue of Buy Nothing day, Jill would like to invent her own fabulous holiday.
Do Nothing Day.
All activities that are the least bit productive in any way will be strictly
forbidden. There will be no work of any kind. No paperwork, no data entry. No cooking or cleaning
allowed. No faking of orgasms. No watching of boring educational programs for the sake of self
improvement. No showering or shaving or makeup allowed. No sex you don't enjoy. No being nice to
people you hate. That's a lot of work. No shoelace tying or dieting. Lollygagging will be the order
of the day.
People all across the land will lounge about all the day long in their stinky
PJ's, eating yesterdays leftovers. Stay in bed all the damn day if you like. Don't smile if you aren't
happy. Do not, under any circumstances, talk to your parents or in-laws. That's always a hell of a lot
of effort.
No one will undertake any activity which is stressful, strenuous, or in any way
unpleasant. Don't brush your damn teeth either. Who cares? Deodorant? Eyeliner? Fuck it all. Just
for one damn day, everyone in the world behaves in an utterly natural manner, giving into the urges to
scratch and spit that we all work so terribly hard to deny.
Give in to your natural slothful tendencies. Watch daytime TV for a change and
feel your brain relax and soften. Stay away from the news, textbooks, bosses, teachers, and any one or
anything that smacks of authority. If you are an authority figure, crawl under the covers for the next
twenty four hours.
Yes, Jill's holiday will be more than the Sabbath. It will be the dropping of
pretenses and false fronts for one whole day. This will freak out all the liars and control freaks,
Jill knows, but we hate them anyhow.
Fuck ‘em if they can't take a joke. I am Jill's trembling anticipation. Back
away from your cubicles and retreat to your couches. Do Nothing. Let that be thy lazy mantra.
Scratch that - mantras are work!
Jill's Top 5 Coffee Related Items
1. Mocchacino. Has coffee in it, plus chocolate and is so very very frou
frou. Fabulous pick me up for when the significant other in your life is being a wretched freak and
you are full of hate and loathing for them and sick to death of all their whining and clingy crap-go
get a Mocchacino and drink it very fast. You'll forget all about your loser partner and feel so very
wonderful about yourself, you naughty monkey.
2. Kahlua cake with lots of coffee in it. If we're real nice to her, maybe
the Pajavagirl will share her recipe with us one day.
3. Chocolate covered espresso beans. Keeps you edgy, more portable than
a take away cup of joe.
4. Coffee flavored lip gloss. With a real coffee bean embedded in
the gloss. Smells so way very yum.
5. Cappuccino flavored gum. Again, very yum
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