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A'Saltin Ma Taste Buds
Salt. Yup, that's what I said, salt. I remember way back, my mom going on about a dash of salt
in the coffee maker. She heard it made coffee taste better, and what a cheap trick to try at home with almost no cost.
Well, that was a long time ago, and the idea hit me again. Maybe I was getting bored of the same old, maybe I was one
screw short of a bookcase.
I'm Jack's experimental funny-bone. Off to the coffee maker I went, beans in one hand, grinder
in the other and a salt shaker clenched in my teeth all pirate like. If I had a parrot and a peg leg I coulda sang blow
the man down, but I didn't. In went the fresh ground, in went a shake of the salt and a flick of the switch.
I'm Jack's taste buds. Did it taste any better? Right now, Jack's got good old Columbian Supremo
in the pantry, and it's a pretty fine bean, with a robust flavour and a touch of bite at the top. Your basic good
coffee. The salt kicked up the flavour over all. Everything was there, but now it was magnified. Jack's mistake though,
was a little to vigorous a shake, ‘cause I could taste the salt.
Maybe it's the good beans, maybe it's the proper coffee maker, maybe it's just that good coffee
doesn't need salt to make it good. Whatever the reason, the salt was an obvious flavour, and even if I had used less, I
would probably still taste it. On the other hand, salt does seem to enhance your plain grocery store grinds. I won't say
it makes them drinkable, but in a pinch, it'll make slumming it a more enjoyable experience.
Oh, but does the fun stop there? Hell No! Jack had to put more stuff in the filter basket, cause
why not? It's there ain'it? So out came the cinnamon. I'm Jack's flashback. If you checkout this weeks café review you will
notice that Jack's had a cinnamon coffee, at an added cost of 30cents for a spoon full. Sure, it beats makin it yourself,
or for that matter, rubbing two sticks together, but that money could go to dessert!
Two things about cinnamon in your coffee maker. One, it taste mighty fine, much better then that
salt thing. Two, it clogged my filter! Yah, it's most likely the cheap ass cone-type #4 filters Jack uses. The pores must
get all gunked up and wont let the coffee through, for a minute there, Jack thought the coffee maker had stolen a whole
cup! Oh well.
Well, that's it kiddie. Go on, don't be scared, put a little spice in your life. Whether it be
salt or cinnamon, or anything else you can think of. Just drop it into your grinds and let the essence mix with your
special beverage. Just don't say I didn't warn yah!
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Random Musings Of Mild Misanthropy
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Mister Pants answers his reader mail.
Hello, kind reader. This issue, I'm proud to continue my
fine tradition of slack and share the spew from my fountain
of knowledge with you by answering a couple of questions
posed by kind members of the Coffee Club readership. Real
letters. Sure are. Yep.
Q:Coffee makes me fart. *s'cuse-me* Help!
- Windy in Chicago
Dear Windy: I am no stranger to your so-called dilemma.
Lately, serious bouts of gastro-intestinal distress arising
from frequent and perhaps abusive consumption of
coffee-flavoured iced creams have left me rolling
around halfway naked on my floor, yelping for helping.
I couldn't even telephone for help because my clapper-activated
automatic phone-dialer couldn't operate due to me not being
able to bring my hands together to clap 'em on account of
my enormous, fat-bastard gas-filled belly.
Suddenly, tumultuous,
glass-breaking sweet release came and all is well again. I've
said it countless times: if I live to be a thousand, I'll
never tire of the boundless amusement I find in farting and
using the word Uranus. Seriously, almost nothing
makes me happier, not even if scientists found signals of
intelligent life emanating from far within the mysterious
depths of Uranus.
My advice? I say go with it. If coffee
makes you fart, then start ordering large: double espressos,
Turkish coffee. Have fun with it: elevators, just as
you're leaving the car-pool or taxicab and (my favourite)
revolving doors. Your life is already miserable, why not
make someone else's too?
Q:I've got this nasty, painful and persistent
whooping-sounding cough? Please advise! Ack!
- "Honk if you want to pass" in Labrador
Dear Honk:
You obviously have us confused with your other favourite web-site:
Coughy Club Online. Nevertheless, since it pains me to turn
away anybody in need of my expert advice, even a sickly simpleton
as yourself, I will help you.
Your letter is brief and grossly un-detailed, but I suspect you are
suffering from the Pertussis, more commonly known as the
Whooping Cough. Pertussis is a very contagious and dangerous
infection of the respiratory tract caused by the bacterium
Bordetella pertussis.
Symptoms generally include those of a
cold, such as runny nose and a cough that gradually worsens. Violent
coughing spells frequently end with vomiting. Once the whooping
stage begins, antibiotics are of no use. So you're fucked. Dump
a mickey of Amber Caribbean rum into a pot of coffee (might as well
go for the nice Jamaican Blue Mountain blend, since your gonna die
anyway), drink it, chase it with a bottle of Nyquil, followed by a
huffing session with your favourite aerosol air freshener and break
into a farm and operate some heavy machinery. Then go see a doctor
and leave me alone.
Q:I am an eager, goal-oriented woman working for
a large publisher, and my boss demands that I make him coffee.
And why does he insist that during this, I be undressed and spank
him with a green table-tennis paddle? Is this legal?
- "Climbing the corporate ladder" in London
Dear Climbing:
I'll tell you what should be illegal: using a green paddle to
spank somebody with! Everybody knows the preferred colour is black,
seconded by sparkly silver. You see, the resultant redness of the
buttocks combined with the green of the paddle is simply unacceptable.
Green & red: I mean, what is that? Christmas in Ass-Land? Anyway,
I did some research and to answer your question:
"It is completely legal for an employer to ask employees to make
coffee, wash the cups, clean out refrigerators, make copies or do
whatever else needs to be done
[my emphasis] to keep the business running.
It is also not illegal for the boss to ask you to
run some personal errands
[my emphasis], although if the amount of
personal duties is excessive, it may violate company policy as a
waste of corporate assets."
"It is illegal for an employer
to discriminate on the basis of sex among people of equal job
status. For example, asking a woman junior editor to spank him,
while not asking the male junior editors, in and of itself is not
illegal, but it certainly would merit a close look at the pay and
promotional opportunities for that woman as compared to the men."
I have no idea if that helps, but it sure was a mess of fun to use
the words buttocks, paddle and Ass-Land.
Farewell until next time, gentle reader. Do come back again and feel
free to send me your comments, suggestions, stories, whatever. Gotta go, the
coffee's on.
" Don't tell the director I said so, but are you
safe, Miss Gradenko? "
Edward Pants, Esq.
In life's coffee bag, be the bitter bean.
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A Woman's Work
It's Women's Week, and who knew? Jill is more than a little distressed at the
state of femkind the world over. The whole globe has their knickers in a knot because the Taliban are
blowing up ancient artifacts, and the gods know they shouldn't, but where was the world's outrage when
they stripped women of all their rights and sentenced them to a half life of servitude and oppression?
Jill thanks the fates that she lives in a land where she can be a loud mouthed
brat hopped up on espresso and not get stoned to death for it.
Not that we should pat ourselves on the
backs for our treatment of chicks, (anyone checked out the death-by-domestic violence statistics lately),
but Jill is grateful that she has choices and chances, and the protected right to mouth off to whomever she chooses.
It'll be a long cold day in Hell when Jill bows and scrapes to anyone, most
particularly a boy who expects it just ‘cuz he's a boy.
This week, as you sip your caffeinated beverage of choice, reflect upon this.
That you were fortunate enough to choose. That you can walk about in hot pants and big boots if you
so wish without having your hands cut off. That you weren't beaten before breakfast, that you're the
one running the show. Raise your lattes high in tribute to the women who have no choice and no control.
C.P.J-"So who would you have coffee with?"
J.J.-"Hmm, I think I want to buy Tom and Drew a coffee, cause they're homeless."
C.P.J-"I not sure that Tom Green should have coffee. He'd be like "Ooh coffee.Coffee.Coffee!Coffee!"
It would be funny the first time, but sooner or later you'd have to punch him. Though they're not really homeless."
J.J.-"Your right, they're staying at this spa that's like,
five grand a night."
C.P.J-"Yah, wish I had celebrity insurance. You know, clause five,
In Case of Fire, Stay at Spa. Besides, maybe you'd be disillusioned having coffee with them."
J.J.-"Huh?"
C.P.J-"Maybe coffee is like Ritalin for Tom. Maybe he'd be like this
quiet normal guy. He'd make polite chitchat. Or maybe be even more annoying if thats possible."
J.J.-"Maybe so."
C.P.J-"Hey! It occurs to me we already did Drew Barrymore? "
J.J.-"Oh god! I wish we had!."
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Can You Write?
We'd like to extend an invitation to anyone for coffee inspired writings. It don't have to be lots of
words, just take a look at how much we write.
If you are interested, and would like to contribute
some of your rantings and ravings, please send it in.
Send to:
jack@coffeeclubonline.com
Jill's Magazine Reviews
We've all been intellectually horrified and secretly thrilled at the
proliferation of magazine stands in our coffee houses.
This is why Jill has bravely volunteered to wade through the sea of rags to
select for you, her sweetest monkeys, those magazines worth wasting an eye flicker upon.
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