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June 22, 2001
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Apology for Missed Issue
I like to think of myself as technologically adept. I love all things technological, be it the computer
I'm using right now, or my cellphone, or my sleek black coffee maker, or the new Audi TT Coupe. It's all modern and super
cool. It gives me a glimpse of a far off Sci-Fi future where we can take an ion rocket to the resort space station, then skip
off to the moon for some lunar volleyball.
I'm also pretty good with computer and internet technology. I've learnd html. I know how to use
photoshop to make images for the web. I can do fancy tricks with graphics. I can install hard drives and CD-Rom drives
and network cards. I can even get Windows working...most of the time. So..why is it that we missed the Coffee Club
update on Friday? Basically, because I am an idiot.
Last week my webhost, in an effort to avoid calamity, changed their network over to another company.
Everything went smoothly for them on the 12th of June. I on the other hand could not access my webspace. I called them up,
and learned they where switching there network over and that some customers might experience problems. I let it go, thinking
it would all be resolved. Thursday it was still not accessing. I called em, and left a message. No one called. I gave up
on Friday. Could not contact them, and the weekend they dont answer the phone as far as I can tell.
Now they have in the past resolved my issues promptly, so don't be to quick to judge. Their service
to date has been most satisfactory. I called em Monday (June 19), and spoke to the tech. He informed me that it might be
my internet service provider, Rogers@Home, not updating some info or another. I believed him and waited, then called Rogers.
They were somewhat rude, and told me in no simple terms that if I could not access my webhost, it was said webhosts problem.
Wow. It's good to know that $40/mth gets you such knowledgeable tech support.
After a second call to my webhost, I figured it out. It was my fault. I had a file on my system that
was telling my web browsers and FTP programs how to access my Domain name. The problem is, this file did not have the updated
information from my webhost. It was connecting me to nowhere! Suffice it to say, 16 coffees later and a more then a spoon full
of frustration, I have DELETED my host file. Good riddance!
Coffee Club Online is back on track, one week late. The next update stays on schedule, and will be
online for June 29. It will be a special issue, celebrating our 1 year anniversary. I hope you
can join us then, and my apologies to anyone that actually went looking for this issue last week. Hopefully, next week
I will write about coffee.
Ta ta and cheer-e-o.
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Observations in a Drugstore Lineup.
Dearest reader, I spend at least a quarter of my absorbingly interesting existence
waiting for something. I don't mean I'm waiting for something, I mean
I'm waiting for something. A lineup here, a traffic light there... it makes
no difference. About the only thing that keeps me sane through all the waiting is
watching. I watch other people. Ones who are not waiting. Ones who are walking
around and doing things that are very stupid. Other times I watch people who are
waiting, too, and I like to see what makes them stupid. Are they playing
the same game about me? Probably not; they're too stupid. And if they are, great,
because there's plenty of stupid shit I do when I'm waiting: twitching,
boogie-nose-picking, adjusting my testicles, talking to myself, pulling my pants
up to my armpits, making spit bubbles with my lips, trying to see how close I can
get my nose to the back of somebody's neck without them noticing - and that's
just the things I'm aware of and enjoy doing.
The other week, I had some time to kill before starting work at my soul-sucking job,
so I stopped into the local mall to grab a decent cup of coffee from Timothy's. I had
a seat in the food court and realized I didn't have my notebook with me. I mean, how
can I perpetrate being a writer if I have no notepad? A coffee, a pen and a look of
stern regard aren't enough! I need something whut I can fake writing stuff in! The
drug store was the closest place in the mall I could buy a notepad. I picked out a nice
small one and got in line at the checkout. And waited.
So I'm looking around at the other people in line. Now, I am not a nosy person.
Really; the less I have to know about anybody, the better. However, in situations where
I am forced to wait amongst the masses, I cannot help but observe what everyone else
is doing, or buying, or hiding. It was pretty busy, and there was plenty to see - way
more than I can describe for you here in the fifteen minutes I allot myself for writing
free articles. So here are the top three amusing people I saw in line at the drugstore the
other week:
1. The Bartering Skinflint. This one is everywhere. You know the one:
absolutely convinced the item s/he's buying is cheaper than what's showing up on
the cash register's display. "But it says $1.89 on the shelf, not $1.99!!" Yep. No
matter what, this one's convinced they're getting ripped off, and will stand there
bartering over a goddamn dime, like they're back in the old country buying a goat
at Sunday market. "Can you just give it to me for $1.89? No? Hmm, I don't know
if I want it now..." Here's what I want now: how about you buy the shit, and I'll give
you two shiny dimes right before I kick your babooshka-clad ass out of
my way so I can buy my fucking notebook? How's that sound?
2. The Self-Important Sigher. This guy's the center of the fucking universe.
He's got the power suit with the teeny cel-phone on his endangered reptile belt,
treats his wife like shit (which she counters by sleeping with saucy little boys at
the office who buy them coffees), has the car keys fob looped around his
manicured, depilated fingers not only so everybody can see the BMW logo
(gee, that's original), but also so he can impatiently flick them around against
his palm, as he quite audibly sighs and mumbles things like "ssshhiiihhiiiittt" or
"huhhhhhffffuckkkkk". (Which is kinda OK when you're with somebody else
and any of these three types of people are in front of you, but not when you're
alone and you're one of these types...) Sigh-Guy checks his watch every
dozen seconds, waiting for the line to move so he can buy that single little pack
of Listerene Breath Freshening Strips, bought solely to take focus away
from the travel-sized bottle of Gold Bond Powder. And so there's
the dichotomy: he needs to disguise his purchase, yet he needs the
attention of everyone he's desperately wanting to disappear. Why? Because he
thinks he's so much better than all of them when he's not: I am. And maybe you
are, too, my discriminating reader. Oh, and in case you're not, and are wondering
what the difference is between his actions and my rantings? No contest:
I am way cooler. Gold Bond. Hah.
3. The Flustered Flatus Fighter. This one was my favourites:
skinny-girl ahead of me buying a pack of GAS-X tablets. You know,
the stuff whut makes you not fart. Aside from the gastro-intestinal
damage one can induce from ass air abstinence, this kind of behavior leaves
me asking: where's the fun?? This is a question she asks about her life.
I mean, this is the person who buys the blue toilet pucks, but no, wait: she
buys the GREEN kind, because this way, she doesn't have to be
chagrined by the fact that her pee made the blue water turn green -
it's already green! Back to the GAS-X: I'm not sure if this is a good
idea, anyway. I mean, she was really skinny. I'd say there's a likely risk of
rupture or even explosion! This gaunt girl's gas gots to escape!
There's just no room in there to keep anything. Umm, wait a minute... maybe
I've got it all wrong. It was a Friday... maybe she had a lovely evening
of wild butt-fuckery planned? Perhaps she was just being prudent and tactical.
Maybe she's OK after all. Either way, she's still my favourite.
Write the lovable Edward
Pants, Esq.
" I'm your boogie man, that's what I am. I'm here to do whatever I can. "
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A List Of Naughts
TOP 10 PEOPLE JILL NEVER WANTS TO HAVE COFFEE WITH
10.The Queen. She drinks tea anyhow.
9. Boyfriend #27. He knows who he is. (Yeah, Jill has to number them or she won't
remember who they were. Yawannamakesomethingofit?)
8. Joe Pesci. I fucking hate that guy.
7. Any daytime talk show host. Take your pick from that crew of cretinous scum.
6. Shannen Doherty. I'm sorry, but ‘Mallrats' does not redeem your career.
5. Any boy band. Take your pick from that talentless crew of choreographed scum.
4. Helen Hunt. She's just so fucking nice, isn't she?
3. Tom Hanks. See above, but substitute ‘he' for ‘she'.
2. Dubya. That man just can't take a good photo, can he?
1. Jill couldn't narrow this down to just one; there are so very many people that she hates.
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