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Three Blends and a Baby
By Edward Pant's Esq.
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Well, my good reader, I've been a lucky boy of late, and for once, I am speaking not of
the activities of the boudoir. I have been on a tiny coffee sampling spree! (That is to say,
the spree is small, and not the sampling of diminutive coffees, in case my editor doesn't
catch that.) Through curiosity and generosity, I have acquired in the span of a few days,
a small collection of three very different coffees. Never one to turn down an opportunity
to try new things (again, I speak not of la salle a dormir), I set about to sample
this triumvirate of coffees thoroughly and fairly, and share the results with you, just
because I can.
Every good scientific study requires an environment with controlled conditions which
facilitate accurate and repeatable results. My environment involves a comfortable sofa,
subdued lighting, swell music and engaging company. The controlled conditions include
the same: coffee-making devices, water source, cups and quantities. Attire: I prefer none,
but if a whit of decency is required, then boxer shorts or even a robe does the trick.
Following these guidelines allows for an exhilarant yet relaxing session of coffee
sampling.
Reader, take note: two of these are pre-ground, pre-packaged coffees. Yes, I said
pre-ground, and yes I prefer whole-bean coffees that I grind myself in small batches.
(I also enjoy grinding myself in small batches, but that's another story for another time.)
Sometimes, though, you just don't have enough time to grind, or worse: you run out
of those little brown babies to grind, and then what? It pays to have a bit of some halfway
decent pre-ground stuff whut you can use in a pinch. Or maybe you're tired of people
mooching the good stuff from you, but you still want them to have a reasonably enjoyable
coffee experience. Whatever the reason, every consummate coffee connoisseur should
have some kind of quick 'n' easy backup that tastes good and will keep your coffee-brewing
reputation safe. So here then, is a suitable trio of coffee choices, kids:
- First on the list is President's Choice Organic Coffee.
This is a
pre-ground, 250 gram tin of coffee, which can be got your local Loblaws
supermarket for the rather reasonable payment sum of $4.99. Organic is good, I guess.
It's also expensive and trendy, and that's good if you're selling the shit. I don't care who
you are or what altruistic reasons you claim to have: if you're selling organics, you're
raking it in. Nobody would be doing it if it wasn't making cash. And good
for you, free-enterpriser. In the end, it's a good thing you're doing and why not make
a fortune at it? I'll buy organic stuff only if it's better, to me, than other stuff. "Doing
the right thing" isn't enough - my consumerism revolves around getting what I pay for.
I want quality in the things I like, and if I have to pay extra for that, so be it. I have no
problems paying more for something - it just better be fucking worth it. Which is where
the cheeseparer in me comes out: once in a while, I stumble across something that is
either worth the extra cost or shows exceptional quality for its paltry price.
President's Choice Organic Coffee shows neither. What does show
their contrived concern for coffee Karma. Blah. Anyway, I brewed up a pot and, like
all other pre-ground coffees - I needed to put in an extra scoop to get the flavour
just right. This was a passable coffee, but nothing special. It has the nutty, "tastes
like earth" flavour that some people may enjoy, but I do not. I'm more of a mocha,
roasty, European flavoured kind of guy. And the same goes for my coffee, too.
This stuff is slightly below something of a higher-end pre-ground coffee, like
Movenpick, say. It makes a decent enough cup, though, most likely due to the
placebo effect of that "O-Word" in the name: you want to like it more than you do.
Regardless, you can do better. But if you insist on organic coffee, pay the
extra money and get it from a proper organic coffee seller, which the dishy Ms. Jill
and I have gulped and enjoyed immensely. That's the shit, baby.
Leave the P.C. Organic Coffee for the soccer-mom who cares about the environment,
especially when she's driving around in it with her mini-van.
Overall grade: C+
- Jamaican Blue Mountain.
My dear friend and fellow grouch, O.M.S., recently
vacationed in sunny Jamaica. Bastard. His return brought with him the best gift a coffee
aficionado could hope for: a bag full of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans, Yes, that's
right: the Cadillac of Coffees. (Actually, Cadilacs suck ass. More like the Rolls Royce of
coffees with a little Ferrari F-40 thrown in for good measure.) I tried this once a long time
ago, and was pretty impressed. Here again was my chance to swig what is, arguably, the
finest coffee in the world, and fresh from the source. I ground up a batch and brewed a pot.
Hear me now: if god were real and drank coffee, he'd drink my personal blend. But he'd
keep a batch of this stuff as a backup. What can I say? It's delicious, flavorful, and
easy drinking with no offensive aftertaste (just like me). This is a quality coffee,
and rightly deserves its accolades. It is very, very close to my personal favourite coffee,
Hawaiian Kona, with a slightly more earthy flavour. Utterly satisfying, cup after yummy
cup. I'll bet you haven't drunk anything this hot and tasty since prom night. Now here is
where the stingy bastards out there will say things like, "Ya, but it's eighty bucks a pound!"
Well, yes it is. And Eight O Clock Coffee is eighty bucks a ton. If you scrimpers
still need more convincing, here's some math you can put in your slide rules:
A quarter-pound of The J.B.M. coffee will make at least fifteen cups and that's still priced
way cheaper than a Starbucks coffee, and it's way better. This is
one of those rare cases where you do get what you pay for. This is a rare and
premium coffee of uncompromising quality, and that reflects in the price. So stop you're
bitching - shut up and drink, or stick with the Sanka. Reschedule that half-hour you set
aside to masturbate with a velvet glove; give yourself a real treat instead, and
go brew up pot of this shit and thank me later. Overall grade: A-
- Davidoff Café Full Flavour.
OK, I'll admit it: I saw it it and was going to buy it
for the swanky package alone. Then I looked over the labeling and saw that it was made by
my favourite Java Germans: the wonderful folks at Tchibo Coffee Company. Tchibo
happens make the best pre-ground coffee this boy's ever tasted: Tchibo Exclusive in
the dark blue package is so surprisingly good, I'd be hard pressed and hog tied to believe it
wasn't freshly ground up beans. [ See 2000-08-18 issue. ]
This stuff presents itself in a handsome vermilion package and is aimed at making you just
a little bit poshier if you buy it, seeing as it costs a buck more than the other Tchibo blends.
I've got posh coming out my ass, but I had to try it nonetheless. And at $5.99 for a 250g
package, I saw little that could go wrong. I'm quite familiar with the yummy
Tchibo Exclusive so that was my benchmark here. A fresh pot treated my nose and
taste buds were treated with an aromatic and robust cup of Joe. Very nice indeed for a
pre-ground, packaged coffee. I'm not going to compare it to ground beans, because it just
doesn't. It's much better than the P.C. Organic coffee. It's also better than other
similarly priced packaged coffees and more pedestrian blends like Nabob et al.
At six bucks, it's a bit of a stretch, especially when it's cousin, Tchibo Exclusive,
does compare to fresh ground coffee and costs a buck less. Personally, I think it's
a bit better anyway, so I'd stick with that. But that Davidoff packaging is sooooo
nice....
Overall grade: B-
- Pants Mélange(aka: Pastiche au Pantalons ) This is my personal
blend, which I happen to think is the best goddamn coffee in the world, next to that
wicked-good Hawaiian Kona. This was used as a reference for me throughout the "testing."
And it is without a modicum of modesty that I can say that my blend blows the pants off
these three coffees (but the sweet Jamaican Blue Mountain came pretty damn close).
I'd tell you what it's made of, but I'd have to kill you. All I can say is it's a
Viennese-Mocha-Java mix with a little French thrown in there. Damn fine.
Damn fine, indeed.
Write the lovable Edward
Pants, Esq.
" At the car wash - whoa whoa whoa whoa - Talkin' about the car wash, girl. "
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