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Dec 1, 2000
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Coffee Club Comic Pt.7
Coffee Club Online brings you Part 7 of a continuing graphic adventure.
Follow the adventures of the boy and the bean, as he struggles to find his way out, or into, no space...
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Why Can't I Get Satisfaction
Woo bop ba doo. Sobadoo la ma nu, con trilla be con doola. Seconda lipa castino
bippa, la mino puppa panicono. Hmmm. Yah. Oh yah. I too am scratching my head in some sort of puzzlement,
but then again, shouldn't I know what the hell I'm writing?
Well you got me there folks. I am mother fuckin lost as to what kinda of ranting
and or drivel I should inflict on you, my ever so kind and generous readers. For without you, I would have
no outlet for the bile that stews in my bowels. Of course, I'm probably deluding myself into believing that
anyone really cares what I think.
I think...I need some coffee.
I ask you, and you know who you are, what the fuck are they thinking sometimes?
In truth, I don't ask for much. I do have my own need for quality and satisfaction, but this is tempered
with and understanding, that no one really wants to serve anyone. In truth, I am quite sympathetic to
the monkeys plight, for I too am one of you.
But.
Do I have to put up with crap fights all the time? Nope. It's my right to get
quality, service and satisfaction. Why is it my right? Because these things are out there, because anyone
can get them, so why should I miss out?
Alright then, that's enough of that. Even monkeys have better things to do then
listen to some whining gasbag go on about his miserable existence. Instead, I'll tell it to you straight.
I hate thermos coffee. It's complete shit.
You know what I mean. In those fancy coffee shops where they offer you 5 verities
of coffee, and to keep up with demand, they make up huge thermoses, with little coffee nozzles at the bottom.
You wanna punish someone? Give em coffee. You want em never to talk to you again? Give em thermos coffee.
Sure, if its been just made, it's alright, but if its been sitting around...what's
the point? I want to know how long coffee stays fresh in one of those things? I want to know if anyone has
a store policy that makes them brew a new batch of thermos coffee every 2 hours. Spill it out!! Cause I
don't want to drink it.
I'm gonna start growing my own coffee trees, roasting my own beans and burr grinding
them just before I make me a pot. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna do it in small batches. One cup at a time.
Even if it takes me all night to serve everyone. To hell with it, your not invited. I'm gonna get me my
quality, service, satisfaction and my piece of cake too!
Maybe, if your lucky, you can have some too. I'm done complaining.
I am Jill's embarrassment.
All this time, how wrong I've been!
Seven syllables, not eight..
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Random Musings Of Mild Misanthropy
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The Cat's Out of the Coffee Bag
Hello, my lovely reader. Yours truly is pleased to introduce my way-cool pet (and friend),
Nice-Guy Hank, who will be contributing this issue's article
for your reading enjoyment.
Lacking opposable thumbs, Hank is unable to type out the column (but he can
get a good handle on his morning cup of Joe, as you can see!), so I've taken the liberty of translating
his feline ramblings.
This week: Hank answers my reader mail!
Hello Mister Pants.
Let me start off by saying what an incredibly charming, witty, erudite,
handsome and - dare I say - enchanting young lad you are.
My two passions are coffee and cars.
I am also a friend of the environment so I always bring travel mug in the car.
I wanted to ask you about the availability of a low-voltage coffee cup warmer
that I can use in my new, environmentally-friendly electric car, a Honda EV-Plus.
No smelly gasoline fumes for this girl... just clean battery power. (Love that free-energy concept!!)
If you ever make your way down to Connecticut, the coffee's on me! Bye!
- Josie
Nice-Guy Hank says:
Meow Josie. Meeeowwww mewomewmewmewmew mew meooow thermodynamics mew mew mew! Meoooww meoww mew
e=mc^2 mew mew mmmew! Mew? Mew. Mew meow meow meow meowmm meowmmmm meow mew mew mewmewmew-mew.
Mew mew mew meoooow. Free energy? Meooooooowwwwww!!! Mewoow mew mew mew Florida... Mew mew mewew
meow mew. Mew mew you green bastard... mew mew mew tofu mew meaow. Mew meow meow meow meow coffee,
meow meow mew mew mewwww. Mew mew cat mew mew memeow naked meow-meow meow. Mew mew meow!
- Hank
Translation:
Thanks for writing, Josie. First, I'd like to state that you have absolutely no
understanding of, for one, the laws of thermodynamics; I guess you were too busy skipping your
science classes and protesting for more vegetarian dishes at the high-school cafeteria instead.
Everyone has heard of the famous equation, e=mc^2! Do you know what it means? Of course not. It means
that energy and mass are interchangeable, and to expand on this, neither can be created nor destroyed.
Basically, that means that all energy comes from somewhere and has to go somewhere. Free energy?
You make me laugh, oh gullible biped!!! Perhaps yo'd care to invest in a little sandbox I have in Florida...
Anyway, your so-called environmentally-friendly new vehicle's kinetic energy comes from its batteries'
stored electrical energy which in turn came from somewhere else - most likely conversion of chemical
energy (fossil fuels) or thermal energy from a nuclear reactor.
Put that in your tofu sandwich and eat it,
you green bastard! As for coffee and driving: not a good idea, and certainly don't even think of any
hot-plate accessories. Being a cat, none of this concerns me, and the highlight of my life is basically
sleeping and walking around naked. Thanks for writing!
- Hank
Farewell until next time, gentle reader. Do come back again and feel
free to send me your comments, suggestions, stories, whatever. Gotta go, the
coffee's on. " In and around the lake, mountains come out of the sky and they stand there! "
Edward Pants, Esq.
In life's coffee bag, be the bitter bean.
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Do You Sleep At All?
On a long enough time line everyone's survival rate drops to zero.
Including yours.
You've got to know, not fear, that one day you're going to die. You've got to
face that man in the mirror head on, yes, him, with the cornflower blue tie and the reeking hundred
dollar hair products piled high on his head. Did I sleep? Have I slept?
You go to work. You come home. You go to work.
You pretend you're fulfilled with your Swedish furniture and your stainless steel
kitchen. And this is all you need. You haven't even begun to scrape the surface. In fact, you think,
the surface is a pretty good place to be.
You go to work. You come home. You go to work. Yes, you've slept, but that's all you've done.
Then there's us, over here and all around you. We serve your coffee, we cut your
hair, we wash your dishes and your clothes. You'd like to think you're separate, or above it all. But
you're not.
Your misery is your own disaster, and oh how we cultivate disaster.
Imagine yourself drinking espresso in the burned out front seat of a Saturn, on an
abandoned superhighway. Dropping everything back to zero, erased. Who would you be without your things,
the shell you surround yourself with? Did you sleep?
Have you slept?
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