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Nov. 3, 2000
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Celebrate With Us!
November 24th, 2000 is " BUY NOTHING DAY."
That's right kids. You heard it here first, and don't let anyone tell
you different. So,in the spirit of Buy Nothing Day, we ask that on Nov. 24 you just don't
buy anything!
Need more Info? Email Edward Pants, Esq.
(A public service announcement, brought to you by the fine folks at Coffee Club Online)
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Espresso Broke Me
Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee. My god! It's getting to a point where I'm just not
interested anymore.
Oh don't get me wrong. If I have a choice, I would much rather drink good, fresh
ground coffee, over some donut shop crap. My taste buds can tell the difference, and I can't go back
to the dreck. Still. I am Jacks over worked gills. Your humble narrator is filled to the gills.
Or maybe...maybe it's this cold I can't seem to shake.
Jack is still drinking coffee kiddies, so don't get your panties in a knot.
It's just that Jackie-Boy needs a little break. I need to reset my appetite for the strained oils of
the roasted bean. I need a breather in between the myriad flavours that splash across my palate. Jack,
after all, is human.
I am Jacks breaking point. Elsewhere in this issue, you will hear a whisper of the
‘espresso-experiment': 1 manual espresso maker, 3 different kinds of coffee bean, and 2 willing
participants. This...was my breaking point.
Sure, the first homemade espresso was good, though somewhat richer then my like.
The second one was so un-espresso, it coulda been any coffee, except it was in a tiny little ceramic mug.
The third one was a terrible thing, easily disposed of down the sink. Of course, to make up for its
complete lack of goodness, there had to be a fourth.
I am Jacks dizzy head. Alright, so the third espresso was just two sips, but it
tasted terrible. Obviously, the wrong kinda bean, for this kinda thing. It was so bad that yours truly,
became somewhat nauseous. My head felt warm and sweaty, and even the smell of the last batch of espresso
gave me second thoughts.
I am Jacks reflex reaction. I sipped twice at my forth espresso, and let sleeping
dogs lie. The next morning, I could not look a mug of coffee in the face and feel good about it. Even
though I made a batch, I only had half a cup. Then, I made some tea.
Is this the end? Fear not friends, you have not lost a champion of the dark juice.
I still
advocate coffee in all its flavours and strengths. In fact, I drink it daily still, but perhaps not
with my previous zeal. The funny thing about it though, is that good coffee still tastes very good to
me. For the time being, I have reduced my intake, but, coffee is still a fabulous thing.
Well, I'm off to make some tea. Might clear up this cold, so I can get back
to coffee drinking.
Bye bye.
if I did not share
how satisfying this would be!
half a piece of cake.
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Random Musings Of Mild Misanthropy
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Domo Arigato, Mister Roboto -- NOT!
Hello again, dearest reader. I'm worried. I consider myself to be a pretty
knowledgeable fellow.
I appreciate fine machinery, quality craftsmanship, innovative design, artful function, unique
collectability...well, you get the picture.
I think I have developed a well rounded, and - dare I say? I dare! - erudite appreciation and
mastery of all things electronically recreational. I can program my VCR with one hand, while
adjusting the TV's colour-shift for accurate flesh tones with my other hand. If need be, I can
angle my speakers with my feet for the perfect aural sweet-spot. My audio & video systems cost
more than most people's cars.
I used to laugh at those boobs who couldn't program VCR's, set digital clocks and work
microwaves. Well, have a look at the giant, bumpy nipple on this boob. I realized I
couldn't program my goddam remote control to work a stinking DVD player. The Caffiend and I
struggled with the infernal wand to no avail. Thank god for Pajavagirl, who promptly found the
correct instructions and had us on our lazy way in no time.
It all got me realizing I am turning into my Dad. Holy fuck. I said it'd never happen.
It was really pretty lame. I mean, we were like those 2001 monkey-boys and the monolith
was that sonofabitch remote.
So, being the eternal master of denial that I am, I started wondering about high-tech and do I
really need it in my life? Shit, no!
I've embraced vacuum tube amplifiers over the last few years. I've long-touted the sweet
black magic of the vinyl disc. I've discovered the sheer rapture of computerless, carburated,
hand-built Italian sports cars.
And now, because I love you all, I wanna let you in on my latest kick in back-to-basics coffee
drinkin'. I picked up a cheap, yet oh-so-funky looking manual espresso maker from IKEA - you know:
Swedish for one out of every thirty items actually works or fits together. Anyway, do yourself a
favour, dear coffee-buddy, and pick one up.
They go for around fifteen bucks, and are small enough to easily shoplift, for those of you
on restricted budgets. (Hint: they come with two extra rubber pressure seals tucked inside them - open up another one and nick the seals from that one and stuff them into the one you're buying to give you an instant bonus.) Anyway, Your humble narrator and his coffee cohort, Cakey Pants Jack (no relation), christened this puppy a week ago.
Talk about back to basics: fill it with water, stuff some freshly ground coffee in there (espresso or continental blend), pop it on the stove till it's a-bubblin and drink it. Maybe it's the aluminum from the espresso maker nestling in my brain stem, but I can't remember when I've had such a tasty, robust cuppa coffee in a long time. CPJ liked it, too, but he had to stop after the fourth
one, because his head was about to do a SCANNERS thing any minute.
Simple is better.
That's why the chicks dig me. Have fun, kids...
Oh.. and even though I have no issues with consumerism, I do like to stick
it to the man any chance I can get.
November 24th, 2000 is " BUY NOTHING DAY." I'm sure I don't need to tell you what's
involved (but write to me if you want more info)... just don't buy anything that day.
I DARE YA ! !
Farewell until next time, gentle reader. Do come back again and feel
free to send me your comments, suggestions, stories, whatever. Gotta go, the
coffee's on. " But glittering prizes and endless comprimises shatter
the illusion of integrity, yeah! "
Edward Pants, Esq.
In life's coffee bag, be the bitter bean.
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True Callings
Much has been said to Jill after her little foray into coffee porn.
(Last Issue).
Some said, "Jill, you have found your true calling!"
Some said, "But Jill what does porn have to do
with coffee?"
Jill's mother said, "You have a filthy mouth young lady! Why oh why didn't I brick you up in a
convent when I had the opportunity?"
As to the question of what coffee has to do with porn, let me say this:
They're both yummy, gritty, send you spinning, and leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.
While Jill as a girl is offended by the exploitation of women, Jill
as a girl is also excited
by the boobies and bums, and a little of the sweaty slap and tickle. And all you slack jawed
screen staring cubicle dwelling monkeys are just jealous of the depravities we here at the
Coffee Club are brave enough to express.
You know you want it, you know you do, just the way you want to duct
tape the boss to his big squeaky chair and wriggle your butt on his helpless face. You want
to leave it all behind and hit the couches, surfing from coffee house to cafe, imbibing cup
after cup of the dark juice.
You want it as badly, you naughty monkey, as Mr. Ed and Mr. Tom wanted
their Americano. As badly as their female companion wanted to expel hot, steaming espresso
and coffee into their outstretched mugs. As badly as you wanted this weeks article to feature
the same wriggling debauchery.
Gotcha!
C.P.J.-"So who would you have coffee with?"
J.J.-"Aquaman. He was hot with his blond hair and tight green pants."
C.P.J-"Aquaman! He was a wuss, unlike like Prince Namor, who kicked
plenty ass. "
J.J.-"Yeah, but Namor was a bit of a psycho though."
C.P.J-"But then again, Aquaman did get kind of buff and
he grew that beard when he became the King of Atlantis."
J.J.-"That's true. And he got really moody too."
C.P.J-"Yeah, but what about the smell? You'd be like, "Can I have a
latte please?" And there'd be this fishy odor. And he'd be like, "What's this?" And he'd be
picking little sea horsies out of his teeth."
J.J.-"Hmmm. Maybe Aquaman wouldn't be a great choice for coffee."
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