Places To Go, Coffee To Drink
It's fabulous weather outside, no need for a coat or jacket, just short sleeves and a
warm breeze. The air smells of summer in the city, and the street are alive with people enjoying the outdoors.
Patio's beckon for your patronage, and offer you a view while you sit and sip your coffee of choice. Jack could
wax poetic indefinitely, but that don't put a shine on the automobile. Instead, while I sat and enjoyed my coffee,
I wondered what it was like in other parts of the world, and I realized there is one good reason to go and see.
I am Jack's travel jones. I've always been fascinated by the airport. I love to watch the
people, who seem different then Jack. These people look like travelers and maybe I have a need to be that type of
person. It would be cool to see the world, to visit London, Paris, Berlin, Rome, but just to go because these places
are there never seemed like a good reason to me. What would someone DO in places like those?
There is only so much that you can see and touch. Check out the nightlife? Hang out on the
beaches? Historical monuments? Landmarks? Gee, they all sound like fun, but for some reason they never appealed to
me. Of course I want to see the Eiffel Tower, but is that a reason to go to Paris? I say no, and while I sat sipping
my coffee in the sunny Toronto streets, I thought it would be wonderful if instead of a Toronto street it was a Paris
street. That's right, I'd go for the coffee.
I am Jack reasoning. As of this moment, Jack's only reason to travel the world is for the
coffee. For the experience of sitting on a patio in another part of the world. Feeling the warm foreign winds against
my face and hearing the tones of an alien tongue. Nothing could be finer then what you love to do transported
with you to a far off land. They say that music is a universal language, Jack thinks that coffee is a close second.
No matter where you go, there will always be a coffee shop. Whether it's in the heart of
India or in the crowded Tokyo streets, you can find somewhere to enjoy a cup. And in Jack's opinion it would make
your visit that much the more memorable. Your efforts to seek out those special little cafes will bring you closer
to the places you visit. It will also leave you with memories that are yours and yours alone, because tourists see
what tourists see, but you will see a little piece of home.
When Jack retires from his ever so leisurely life style, he will do some traveling. He will
go see the sights, and while he is there, he will find a patio to watch a different part of the world go by. In the
mean while, Jack can work hard on the little matter of funding, his travel dreams. Till then, he is taking donations.
So, anyone got any spare plane tickets they'd like to give away?
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Random Musings Of Mild Misanthropy
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On Coffee Company Worthiness
Hello, dearest reader. Once again at a loss for content, I
turn to myself and contemplate on what I like about drinking
the coffee. How do I drink it? When do I enjoy it most?
What am I doing when I drink it? How long will second degree
burns to my testicles take to heal?
Then I thought about coffee drinking as a popular activity -
the other white meat of social drinking. More accepted
socially, but equally full of the depravity and debauchery known
to any seasoned rummy or toasted tosspot. Hell, you should see
Cakey Pants Jack [no relation] after his
fourth cup of my home-brew. It ain't pretty, but it sure is
beautiful.
I used to drink alone (I'm talking about coffee for now),
but there is something to be said about sharing my favorite
hot beverage experience with those special someones, my pals.
I have the best coffee-pals in the world, and it's no
coincidence that they are all sick puppies much like myself.
This is important.
I'll probably down a pint with almost any obnoxious, high-fiving,
mullet-headed, halitosis-ridden alchie and sit through the
latest update on how his Camaro's tranny-swap is coming along
as long as 'buddy' is buying. However, coffee drinking requires
- nay, demands - a more selective companionship. When it comes
to my coffee company, I'm very discriminating. They must enjoy
coffee for its sublime simplicity, its innate superiority over
other drinks. They ought to share the same sense of disgust,
depreciation and outright mockery of the observable patronage
and passers by. They must be perverse, twisted and socially
defective bastards without a modicum of decency in their angry
little bodies.
Will I have coffee with you? Do you care? I don't. I told you,
I already have the best coffee-pals in the world, and they're
probably the only ones reading this anyway. But maybe there's
room for more, if you're buying. Take this short quiz to see if you
make the grade:
- What's your favorite coffee condiment?
- Lots and lots of cream & sugar.(1 point)
- Condiments are for phags. Make mine hot, bitter and black!
(3 points)
- Your warm, sticky love juices. (5 points)
- Have you ever consumed whole coffee beans?
- No, coffee beans are scary. (0 points)
- Sure. Sometimes chocolate covered. (3 points)
- Yes. I insert them in my ass and let osmosis run its course.
(5 points)
- Have you ever peed in a coffee pot?
- Of course not. Especially not one with coffee in it.
(1 point)
- Once I thought about it when I was really drunk at the
office Christmas party. (3 points)
- I used to work in fast-food. Ever been to the McDonald's
at Yonge & Bloor? (5 points)
- Have you ever had coffee naked?
- My word, no! (0 points)
- Ya, sure. Who hasn't? (3 points)
- Buddy, I've served coffee naked.
(5 points)
- Will you pay for our coffees?
- Let's split the bill, OK? (1 point)
- Sure, why not. Just go easy on the Cointreau shots
next time. (3 points)
- What's this talk about paying? Wanna see me fake a
heart attack? (5 points)
- Have you ever been to Starbucks?
- Yes, I go all the time! (-1 points)
- Only to steal chocolate covered coffee beans.
(3 points)
- I got fired from a Starbucks. Ever been
to the one at Yonge & Bloor? (5 points)
- Permanent or paper filter?
- Filter? (0 points)
- Filter? Unbleached paper, I guess.
(3 points)
- Filter? I don't even know 'er.
(5 points)
- Coffeeshop barista pickup line?
- What's a barista? (0 points)
- So, when do you 'get off' work? Heh heh...
(3 points)
- How about a fuck with that mochaccino?
(5 points)
- If I bring my digital camera, will you take it into
the washroom and photograph your genitalia?
[Note the correct use of the word as opposed
to 'genitals'.]
- Whut? (1 point)
- I dunno, sounds a bit racy! But I'd be lying if I
said I wasn't curious... (3 points)
- Buddy, I'll stuff your digital camera into
my genitalia. (5 points)
- What about tipping?
- Oh, I never tip. (0 points)
- I tipped a cow once. (3 points)
- Tipping is the lifeblood of the food & beverage serving
folk. So is a quickie with them in the stock-room when
you're out of change.(5 points)
SCORING:
- 0-19 points: I wouldn't have coffee with you even
on a dare. Tell you what: we can go to the same coffee shop,
but we'll sit at different tables, with different people.
You're paying for everybody.
- 20-35 points: You are (barely) tolerable as
coffee-company. You probably got in by answering one of the
questions worth five points. I'll pretend to care about your
inane jibber-jabber while I throw in a couple of head-nods and
redundant mmm-hmmm's. If I speak to you at all,
it'll be to tell you to either: shut the hell up, take my digital
camera into the washroom with you already or pay the fucking bill.
- 36-49 points: You rock hard. Harder than Dee Snyder
in his prime. You can have coffee with me any time. Maybe more
than once. We'll split the bill.
- 50 points: Either I'm lookin' in the mirror, or
you're my soulmate. Make sweet love to me. I'm buying the coffee.
Farewell until next time, gentle reader. Do come back again and feel
free to send me your comments, suggestions, stories, whatever.
Gotta go, the coffee's on.
" 99 Luftballons, auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont. "
Edward Pants, Esq.
In life's coffee bag, be the bitter bean.
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Blenderific
Once again, props to the conglomerate coffee companies which hire very young boys for
extremely little pay. Indeed.
Brownie frappucinnoes. I can't spell it but I know I like it. Any concoction which
combines brownies with coffee cannot go wrong. Jill was hot and bothered, as she so very often is, and
decided to cool her blushing self with an icy coffee treat.
She nipped into the local corpo-coffee-rama to order their coldest, chocolatiest
beverage. She surveyed the order board with mounting anticipation. Her eyes lit upon the Brownie Frappuccinno.
With wet panties she stepped up to the counter.
"Brownie frappuuuucccciinnnnooo please," she sweetly asked the tender young barista
behind the counter. "One brownie frapucinno," he sang out at the top of his moist virgin lungs.
Jill assumed that he was crooning her order to a coffee monkey behind the counter,
but strangely enough, he was alone. He skated across the floor to the blender station and put his fist into a
dark hunk of crumbling brownie goodness. Jill watched in fascination as he crammed his chocolate coated hands
into the blender, packing the fudginess down onto the razor sharp blades. She gasped and clenched her thighs
even tighter.
He withdrew his sticky fists and poured glistening ice cubes and cold espresso into the
blender and set it to liquefy. Jill gripped the counter, unable to tear her eyes away. The scream of the
blender, the sheen of his skin. Her lips trembled with lust. With a single deft stroke he shut off the blender
and poured the frappuccino into a clear plastic cup. Frantically shook the whipped cream and shot it out in a
frothy white stream to coat her beverage. Squeezed the caramel dispenser with an artistry heretofore unknown.
Coated the whipped cream in a perfect sweet grid. Just like the movies. Jill gave a little cry when he passed
her frappuccinno across the counter. She stuck a finger into the whipped cream and dragged it across his lips.
The young barista gobbled the white goo from her hand.
"You are an artist," she told him.
"Yes," he breathed, blushing crimson. "Yes, I am."
C.P.J-"So, I was thinking this morning that I might like to have coffee with Bill Gates."
J.J.-"I hope he's paying."
C.P.J-"Oh, he'd pay. And I could ask him all the hard questions."
J.J.-"What are those?"
C.P.J-"Like, does he want to take over the computer world because he has a small penis?"
J.J.-"I see and what about his wife? Melinda."
C.P.J-"What about her?"
J.J.-"Would she come too?"
C.P.J-"Oh, I'm sure she comes at some point."
J.J.-"Huh?"
C.P.J-"And then I could tell him: "You know nobody likes you, right? You know how you
were this nerdy little kid in school and you worked so hard so that people would like you? Well, we still hate you."
J.J.-"Well, I like him."
C.P.J-"Um, why?"
J.J.-"Cause he got a pie in the face. And there's nothing I like better than a boy
with a face full of pie."
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Can You Write?
We'd like to extend an invitation to anyone for coffee inspired writings. If you are
interested, and would like to contribute some of your rantings and ravings, please send it in.
Send to:
jack@coffeeclubonline.com
Jill's Magazine Reviews
We've all been intellectually horrified and secretly thrilled at the
proliferation of magazine stands in our coffee houses.
This is why Jill has bravely volunteered to wade through the sea of rags to
select for you, her sweetest monkeys, those magazines worth wasting an eye flicker upon.
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