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Coffee Roasting At Home

By paJAVAgirl

    Usually, I don't like to write articles because they remind me of reports, which reminds me of my job and of school. The former I put up with because they pay me. The latter I tolerate because the more I know, the more they have to pay me.

    It was a sunny Saturday and I was planning on spending my time indoors, because that's what good little PIBs (people in black) do. It would be a wondrous day at the Good Food Festival, grazing my way through the event in the glorious company of the Caffiend and MIL (mum-in-law). Normally this would be where I would make an inference to the idiots on the road who are minivan drivers, but since we were trying to infiltrate this "Martha Stewart"-friendly event, I happened to be driving one today.

    The doors were opened to the event and a flurry of free stuff was thrown at us as we walked in. Unfortunately the booze section wasn't open at 10am. Fortunately there was coffee!

    There we were, walking up the aisles tasting a combination of foods that only a drunk on the way home from a club at 4am could appreciate: beef jerky, soya tacos, garlic pickles, fresh breads, and hemp seed butter (kinda like peanut butter, but green), when we came to the end of an aisle and there they were: the "Merchants of Green Coffee".

    I'm not too sure if it was the lack of coffee in my system guiding me to the booth or the idea that there could be fresh roasted coffee available, but it seemed both novel and essential: I could promote my tree-hugging-commie-idealist sensibilities and get a decent cuppa joe. I would say there was only one more perfect moment in my lifetime – you think I'm going to tell YOU what it was?! Keep dreaming!

    The coffee was a complete joy. Think of everything wonderful that anyone has ever told you coffee could be. Think of how disappointed you were when it just didn't live up to the hoopla. I can tell you I was expecting to be disappointed, and I can happily tell you that it was the perfect brew. Maybe it was because they used filtered water (you know, the kind you have to pay for cuz it was melted from an iceberg). Maybe it was the organic milk & sugar that I used in the coffee, none of these things have ever entered into my coffee before. But I'm positive that it was because I got to see the happy little beans in a roaster, popping into a fairly dark roast. I saw those glistening little beauties being ground into a wonderfully chunky black grain and I got to taste the freshest coffee in this lifetime. I have to say I'm completely hooked.

    I shove the Caffiend over to the booth "BUY A CUP" I insist. "You MUST drink this!!" I'm babbling like some sort of GreenPeace-nik trying to save the baby seals.

    Now that the caffeine is calming my system, I get a chance to look into the company a little more. One of the environmentally-friendly "salesmen" asks me about my opinions of the graphics used on the packaging of the beans.

"I'm not adverse to them" I says. He calls me a "politician". I'm definitely going to buy coffee from this man.

    They have a show special (as he launches into the company spiel) $29 per month for 1 year. You get the roaster for free (sure, as free as $29/month is!) a $150 value plus 2lbs. of beans delivered to your door each and every month. Two pounds of beans per month is the average consumption per household in this country, I'm told. But I'm skeptical. I bombard the man with questions, "What if I don't like it?" I can send it back and cancel my order. " What about delivery charges? " Included in the price.

Hmm, this seems too good to be true. "What kind of shelf life are we talking here?"

    "Green coffee beans can last on the shelf up to X years". I think he said 5, maybe it was 10. But it seemed like way too long to be keeping coffee at home. This man is good, he's obviously read all of the sales materials, and maybe he even wrote them. I'm hooked but as lazy as I am, and as good as ‘delivered to your door' sounds, I ain't in the right tax bracket for the luxury of that monthly charge. There is one other option. Buy the roaster for the show special and get a pound of beans for free. That sounds like the best option to us. We wander around for the rest of the show stuffing our gourds and head back to pick up the roaster before we leave.

    I have satisfied my inner-activist. I will be able purchase certified organic, certified shade-grown, bird-friendly, fair-trade coffee at the Veggie-loving market near my home. All will be good in the world.

    I am a corporate drone, with access to most of your personal, sensitive data and I will drink coffee to help the world. Let's hug.