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Jills-A-Poppin
We're baaaaaaaaack!! Did you miss us? Jill sure missed you, my pretty monkeys.
Can you believe how long
it's been since we posted? In our defence, we have never claimed to be other than slack ass bastards.
It's been a long time since last we spoke and a lot has happened. Jill is now sucking the corporate dick.
That's right. Jill's a wage slave, worker bee, cog in the wheel, nine- to- fiving motherfucker. Having
her soul sucked from her one luscious drop at a time. No more couch trips in the middle of the afternoon
for this lil girl. It's a daily grind. Hey, didn't we review that place last year, the Daily Grind? And
didn't we write how much they blew chunks? And now aren't they gone out of business to be replaced by yet
another middle of the road Thai food restaurant?
Ah, the sweet scent of power. Heady, like a long espresso.
Jill's also taken up a number of hobbies. One of these hobbies is to gather monthly with a group of foxy
ladies and tickle fight with them. It's a hot wrestling swarm of girl flesh. Otherwise known as a Book Club.
Each month we choose a book, read it, and gather to drink a lot of wine and knit. Oh, and talk about the book.
Jill invariably hates the chosen tome, because Jill is a reader of fine literature and shoot 'em up sci-fi. She
hates girly books, and books with a lot of kissing and clothes and shit like that.
Another new hobby for Jill is yoga. Jill can now put her feet behind her head. Way behind her head. Guaranteed
to make her popular with the boys.
I know what you're thinking. Jill, working? Jill, knitting? Jill in-gasp-yoga? Say it ain't so. Where's the
dirty little bitch that staggers from latte to latte? Where's the pissed off, damp pantied chick we know and love?
In a cubicle. With a gym membership. That's right folks. But rest assured she's taking it all down from the
inside. Jill often sneaks into the company kitchen and trebles the amount of coffee in the in house machine.
She switches the decaf with the caffeinated. She fucks the shit up by mixing unauthorised and unorthodox blends
and feeding them to the National Managers. She gets the whole company spun by 10 am then spends the rest of the
day watching them spiral into a crash and burn of slack jawed vacancy and despair.
Ah, the aroma of coffee sabotage. Sweet like French Breakfast.
Yes, you might think that Jill has become the very monkey that she loves to mock. And you might be right.
Anything's possible. But let's think of it thusly. Rather than believing
that Jill has sold out to the Man, whoring her soul for a salary and scanty benefits, let's instead believe
that she has infiltrated the corporate machine in order to monkey wrench it all to hell. Yes.
Ah, the sad smell of delusion. Like the bottom of the coffee pot.
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TOP 10's
It's a brand new year so one can make all the lists one likes
without looking like an over eager retard. You know those zealous types that set all kinds
of 'goals' for themselves, like losing weight, learning German, and taking up macrame? You
know those types? Rushing around with their lists and day planners and calendars? I hate those bastards.
All righty then.
Top 10 Things Jill Hated in 2002
1. The death of Joe Strummer. Coffee isn't strong enough to salute you with, Joe, so we raise a pint to you,
the Only Musician that Mattered.
2. The War on Terrorism. Men with little dicks and big complexes fucking shit up for the entire world.
3. The cancellation of Futurama. There are rumours that the show is back on the air, with all new episodes,
but nothing will ever take away the pain of that initial shock. The loss of Bender. It's a scar that will
never heal.
4.Will Farrel leaving Saturday Night Live. What was he thinking? He was all that was holding the show together.
Say what you like about his scene stealing and skimpy undies, Will's a funny, funny man.
5. Everybody Loves Raymond. Let me let you in on a little secret, you megalomaniac fuck. Nobody loves you.
Not even your mother.
6. Winona Ryder. My personal fave is how she claims that she was researching shop lifting for her role in
the upcoming film 'Shopgirl' which is based on the novel by Steve Martin. I've read the novel. Nobody shop
lifts. Even better: Clare Danes has just been announced as the lead in Shopgirl. Way to go, Winnie!
7. Eminem on my radio station. I've been listening to the same radio station for 15 years. It isn't cool
anymore. They play Nickelback, and crap that sounds like Nickelback. I hate Nickelback. But I've been
loyal to this station a big chunk of my life. Now I have to hunt around the dial for a new station. Why?
Because some asswipe program manager thinks he's being radical and shaking shit up by playing Eminem. He's
not shaking shit up. He's selling out worse than he was by playing Nickelback. Can you say 'payola'?
8. Nickelback.
9. Cult clones. War of the drones. What mush heads think for a second that the Quebec based cult of
Raelites have actually succeeded in cloning a human being? And why are they so lame? Clones. I can go
into any Gap store and see clones. On the other hand, I'm all for cults. The more brainwashed dumb asses
that off themselves in spectacular media frenzies the fewer brainwashed dumb asses riding my subway car.
10. Reality TV. Will it never die?
Top 10 Things Jill Loved in 2002
1. The return of Rock 'n' Roll. The White Stripes, The Yeah Yeah
Yeahs, The Strokes, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Bands I can get on board with.
2. The Osbournes. God help me, I love them so.
3. The Peter Gabriel show. Hands down best concert I have ever
seen. Petey's still got it. Highlight of the show: Peter Gabriel gets inside a giant bubble, like a human
hamster ball, and bounces all over the stage.
4. Michael Moore. New bestselling book, new hit movie, speaking
tours all over the joint. One of the few figures in media that I respect, finally getting the coverage he deserves.
5. The return of Bust Magazine. After disappearing into the
Twilight Zone, the broads at Bust worked their heinies off to get funding to re-launch while keeping their
publication independent. Yay, Bust!
6. Big giant blockbuster movies like Spider Man, Harry Potter
and Lord of the Rings. My only criticism would be: not enough killing.
7. Learning to knit. A personal triumph.
8. Winona gettting busted. It's a love/hate thing.
9. Whole Food's coffee. It's dirty, dark, oily, and strong. Just
the way I like it.
10. Michael Jackson's one man freak show
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