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Behind The Scenes At Coffee Club
(Inspired by George Todorovski)
WEDNESDAY
Email from Cakey Pants Jack, sent Wednesday morning
Coffeeclub updates this week. Need some groovy lit by Friday :) Please pass on the information to our new scribe.
Email from Jittery Jill to Scott 'Two Pack' Sugar
Has it been two weeks already? Can you get something together for a column by Friday?
Scott's head looms over the top of Jill's cubicle. "Friday? I can't write something by Friday!"
"Just throw something together," Jill answers sweetly. " That's what we do around here. No one will care."
Scott looks unsure, but Jill waves him away dismissively as she sips her Verona. Vague thoughts of Will Ferrell shimmying under a disco ball while dressed as Janet Reno wander through her head. Jill resumes surfing the internet and gives no more thought to deadlines. "Muh muh muh my Verona," she hums under her breath.
THURSDAY
9 am
If Jill doesn't get some coffee soon, someone's going to be sorry.
10 am
Jill remembers that she has a column to write. Something shiny catches her attention and she promptly forgets.
11 am
Jill checks her email for the seventeenth time.
Noon
Jill is hungry. Jill eats lunch. Lunch is good. Jill is sleepy.
1 pm
Shhhhh. Jill is sleeping
2 pm
There is a task that Jill needs to perform, but damn if she remembers what it is.
3 pm
More coffee
4 pm
Wow. There sure is a lot of porn online.
5 pm
Wheeee. On her way home.
3 am
"Shit!! I have to write something for Coffee Club." Jill stumbles out of bed, hammers out five articles
and posts them to Jack.
3:30am
Jill is blissfully asleep.
FRIDAY
"You know, this sounds a little risque, and I'm not necessarily sure we want to have this kind of
language in Coffee Club."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"Well, we want to be informative and helpful to our readers, and I don't think this piece about short
skirted school girls really reflects that."
"Fucking bite me Jack."
"Look, all I'm saying is, you might not want to offend people, you might want to educate."
"I might want to punch you in the nose if you don't post what I gave you. Oh, and my job is to entertain
our readers. Which I do, thank you very much."
"I'm not finding this conversation very entertaining."
"If you change so much as a single word of my article, Mr. Jack, you will live to regret it.
At least I can spell."
"At least people learn something from my articles."
"Let me reiterate, in case you missed it the first time: Bite me."
"Why can't you write something witty and clever like the article 'Two Pack' handed in? Something relatively
inoffensive yet still humourous?"
"Why can't you recognise that my genius lies within my ability to offend?"
"Why don't you drink just a little more espresso, because I don't think you're aggressive enough."
SATURDAY
Jack and Jill watch TV all day.
SUNDAY
Jack and Jill watch TV all day.
SUNDAY 3 am
"Shit!! I have to post the new issue of Coffee Club." Jack stumbles out of bed, sits down at the keyboard, and hammers out the new issue.
SUNDAY 3:30 am
Jack is blissfully asleep
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DUMPED BY SECOND CUP
JILTED JILL JUSTLY JEERS JAVA JOINT JERKS!
(Headline supplied by the Bitter Bean)
You've got until February 9th and after that, it's gone. Your dear little rag
eared friend in your wallet, that bastion of the café patron. Your Second Cup punch card.
Yes, it's true, my
friends. We here at Coffee Club have always loved and supported the Second Cup, favoring their coffee over the
bitter gut rot brews of other franchises. And how are we paid for our unwavering loyalty?
We aren't! In fact, right now if you hand your punch card over the counter to the barista on the other side,
she will snatch it away from you and tear it into tiny pieces, which will be tossed into the air like snowflakes
and cucarached upon by a line of cranky customers. Oh, you'll get a free cup of coffee. One measly cup of coffee.
Instead of the lifetime of fifth-one-free you could have had.
Have they become greedy? Is this a cost cutting measure? Was the Second Cup going belly
up by giving away a free cup of joe every once in a while? Nay. Nay, I say. There's just nothing in it for them
to provide customer incentive. Well how about this? Can you say customer loyalty? Can you say crossing the street
to go to the Second Cup when there's an unmentionable coffee shop on every damn corner? But not now, oh no, all
of that is changed. From now on, I don't care. They're all alike. I've been dumped by the Second Cup, and this
jilted Jill is taking her business elsewhere.
I'll get my last free cup of coffee, and I'll love it. And then
I'll walk away. I can take a hint. I know when I'm not wanted. I know when I'm not loved any more.
5 Things Jill Hated This Week
5. Fucking snow
4. Avril Lavigne
3. Cold sores
2. The Second Cup
1. When shuttles explode
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