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August 18, 2000
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Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble in Stratford as The Caffiend and PajavaGirl
search for that perfect cup of black elixir.
Coffee Club brings you a continuing graphic adventure.
Follow weekly a traveler in No Space, as he faces perils and meets danger head on with no holds
barred reckless abandon.
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Daily Grind Part Two
I am Jack's repetition. Fresh ground is the best. Fresh ground is the best.
Fresh ground is the best. Repeat that three times every morning, or better yet, chat it while u grind
up those beans you bought the other day.
Yes, I have covered this before. Yes, I seem to be repeating myself. Yes, I do want to emphasis the fact
that grinding your own coffee beans makes for a fab cup at home. Oh yah, there is also the little matter
of how you grind those beans.
I am Jack's taste test. If you check back in the archives, you'll find my little story about my new Braun
coffee grinder. It's a pretty little thing all in black shinny plastic. It works buy cutting the beans
with a long blunt blade, most likely what you'd call a grinding blade. I bet it works with nuts too.
The so called ‘authorities' on coffee, and there are plenty out there, tell us that perhaps the blade
grinding method is not the best way to do it. What other way is there Jack? What you need is a burr
grinder. You take a stationary tooth metal plate, you take a rotating toothed metal plate and you drop
your beans in between. The space between the plate determines the type of grind, from very coarse to
good enough for an espresso machine.
I am Jack, undaunted by technology. As you may have guessed, your intrepid Jack
had to get to the bottom of this, so I put my nose to the grind stone, so to speak, and got me a burr
grinding coffee mill. You might have guessed, it is the grinder I won at auction on EBAY.
Do it do a better job? Do it make coffee tasty? Can coffee really be that much
better with a burr grinder? The answer is yes. Yes, smashing you beans is better then cutting them. The
flavour is less bitter and more full bodied. Different beans tend to taste different, but the difference
is more pronounced with the burr grinder, more same-y with the blade grinder.
I've heard stories about some burr grinders not being so good, and maybe that's
true. With blade grinders, one size fits all. From visual inspection, most blade grinders are made exactly
the same, and will most likely ALL produce the same type of grind and flavour. With burr grinders, its
harder to tell, because the tooth plates are hidden inside.
Still, look around, see what u can scrounge up. I am Jack's investigative instinct.
I'll do my part by making a list. Stay tuned to this page for as complete a list of grinders as I can put
together. At least you'll have a starting point.
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Random Musings Of Mild Misanthropy
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Mister Pants' Quest #1... the story so far
Welly welly welly...
It seems your humble narrator has come upon a few
delightful bargains in Java-land, so here I present an update.
First off, I have yet to find a decent cheap cup of Joe along
my travels through this fine city. Sure, there have been many
a delicious cup that have emptied through these lips, but all
were exchanged for less than two bits left over from a
two-dollar coin.
So far, the best contender is
Galaxy Donuts on Roncesvalles. A buck and a quarter
gets you a fine cup of Donut Shop Coffee (a style unto its own),
without the heroin headaches from Tim Horton's and the
"I just drank brown pee..." afterthoughts from
Coffee Time.
I can't speak for all the Galaxy Donuts,
but this particular one has been a little secret of mine for a
few years. But because I love you all so very much, I've
decided to let you in on it. And can you go wrong with sweet
little Polish girls serving up a cup of black magic?
I say nie !
Anyway, the real gem comes all the way from across the ocean,
from the land of fine cars, two litre beer steins and lederhosen.
That's right, die faterland, Germany. You'd never guess that
Fritz could make a decent cup of Joe, but lo and behold,
glorious Tchibo has proven me wrong! And it's
pre-ground & packaged, no less! Like my buddy, Captain Beefheart,
says: "If you've got ears, you gotta listen!" So here's the scoop.
This is a fine-ground, pre-packaged coffee. I know, I know,
the best coffee is made with whole beans, fresh ground (and
fresh roasted is even better), yada-yada-yada... I'm a
freakin' member of CoffeeClub, I know the deal.
But.
Even the most hoity-toity of we connoisseurs fall into bouts
of tremendous lazy-assedness, often for days at a time.
It's just too much goddam trouble to get the grinder out
when you're recovering from a night of reckless drunken
debauchery and lickerish carnality. But that doesn't
mean you still can't enjoy a delicious, robust cup of
coffee.
Enter Tchibo.
It comes in a 250-gram vacuum-sealed packet, and in a
couple of blends; I tried the Exclusive.
Available at most European delicatessens (hell pick
up a pack just down the road from the aforementioned
Galaxy Donuts), and some Loblaws (where I got mine)
for around a fiver.
Just throw a bunch of scoops in yer
coffee maker and get ready for the best goddam pre-ground
coffee around: aromatic, robust, full bodied yet never bitter,
and ending off with roasty after taste that fades away
perfectly. This stuff is the shit, man.
Of course, it's
not fresh-ground, but it's a pretty fucking good substitute.
Just ask Cakey Pants Jack. He is Jack's pleasant surprise.
Jack knows, and you know you want to know, too. Be in the know.
Go to Loblaws and buy a pack (or shoplift one if you can - it's
cheaper, and those bastards are way to well-off anyway).
If your local Loblaws doesn't have it, ask for the manager
and tell him - or her - they suck and that your loyal narrator
will come down there and kick their flabby assess until
they order some, and that's a promise.
Keep it in a nice
little tupperware container in the back of your fridge for
when you run out of beans and you need a fix of good Java.
Do it this week and thank me later. DO IT ! !
Farewell until next time, gentle reader. Do come back
again and feel free to send me your comments, suggestions,
stories, whatever. Gotta go, the coffee's on.
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Can't Get No Satisfaction
This does not belong to us. You decide your own level of involvement.
This is
about comfort, desire, the satisfaction of longing. Take it all down to zero, lick the plate clean.
Scoop the dregs with a shaking finger and tongue that digit til it sparkles.
This is about not resting til you are satisfied, completely, with a perfect cup, the exact combination
of dessert and a comfy seat.
I am Jill's nostalgia for the bottomless cup, but we all knew that couldn't last, didn't we. That
fountain of hot sweet java bubbling all through the Eighties. Where hast thou gone? But this is also
your vision, isn't it?.
You have to forget everything you know about being the audience. Get out of your cubicle, your
unventilated box. Fuck your job, fuck your khakis. Your wearing your cornflower blue tie, it could
be any day.
Somewhere in this town is a couch with your ass print on it, and a mug waiting like an
un-popped virgin, just for you. So stop reading this and go GET it!
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