August 11, 2000

Mr. Pants’ Daily Affirmation

    Three steps to a better, bitter you.

    Perform each morning, right after you wake up. Start up your coffee maker with your most cherished blend. Follow these steps while the coffee’s a-brewin’.

Step 1:

    Stand about two feet in front of your favorite mirror, naked. Relax, and breathe deeply. Try not to stare at your genitals.

Step 2:

    Let your eyes focus on themselves, left looks at left, right at right. You will soon see your third eye appear - the mystic eye of your soul!

    Repeat this mantra - as many times as is necessary - while you visualize the day ahead of you and its promise of countless interactions with co-workers, peers, strangers, and society in general:

    You beetlehead, you blockhead, you bonehead, you boob, you booby, you bufflehead, you cabbagehead, you chowderhead, you chucklehead, you chump, you clod, you clodpate, you clodpoll, you cluck, you dimwit, you dizzard, you dodo, you dodunk, you dolt, you dolthead, you dope, you doughhead, you drip, you duffer, you dullard, you dullhead, you dumbbell, you dumb bunny, you dumb cluck, you dumbhead, you dumb fuck, you dummkopf, you dummy, you dunderhead, you dunderpate, you fathead, you featherweight, you goof, you goon, you hammerhead, you idiot, you ignoramus, you ironhead, you knothead, you knucklehead, you lackwit, you lame-brain, you lunk, you lunkhead, you moonraker, you moron, you muddlehead, you mug, you muggins, you mutt, you muttonhead, you nitwit, you noddy, you noodle, you numskull, you oaf, you pinhead, you poke, you prune, you pumpkin head, you put, you schnook, you simp, you simpleton, you spoon, you squarehead, you stunpoll, you stupe, you stupid, you thickhead, you thickskull, you turnip, you wantwit, you woodenhead, you zombie, you lightweight; you ass, you donkey, you fool, you imbecile, you jackass, you jerk, you nincompoop, you ninny, you schmo, you schmuck; you birdbrain, you featherbrain, you scatterbrain you dumb ox, you Simple Simon, you you.

Step 3:

    Enjoy your coffee and go out into that scary outdoors, knowing that you are better than 99% of the rest of the world. Don’t forget your pants.

Nice pick-up, cowboy.

    To those of you on all our roadways, great and small; you cell-phone using, takeout-coffee swilling, lipstick applying, hair combing, note writing, map reading, barefoot pedaling, sandal wearing, child yelling, newspaper folding, ass-scratching, nose picking, testicle adjusting, ben-wa-ball squeezing, piss jar filling, tie tying, knuckle cracking, air drumming, Journey sing-a-longing, mullet-headed, shotgun racking, speed popping, cigarette butt tossing, rear-view-mirror-position neuroticizing, fast-lane slow driving, non-signaling, brake riding, hazard light flashing, bouncing, low sitting, VTEC sticker collecting, gold-colour trimmed, polluting, boom-boxing, tobacca spitting, gum chewing, day dreaming, jive shucking, playboy-mudflap sporting, fuzzy dice dangling, gum smacking, giggle bitching, Howard Stern listening, drive-by shooting, gesticulating, drag racing, lane drifting, shoulder driving, chicky horn-honking, Sunday driving, road hogging, curb crawling, gravel spitting, rubber burning, hair flicking, tailgating, accident causing, rubbernecking, society menacing, SUV owning, minivan driving CRETINS:
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

”Steely Dan 101”
If there’s a better song than “Babylon Sisters” to enjoy my coffee with, then I haven’t heard it. ”You got to shake it baby, you got to shake it baby, you got to shake it.”
Oh ya.

Farewell until next time, gentle reader. Do come back again and feel free to send me your comments, suggestions, stories, whatever. Gotta go, the coffee's on.